My real job title: professional email forwarder.

Boss: 'Quick question.' Narrator: it was neither quick nor a question.

Let's circle back is office talk for 'never'.

My job description said 'fast-paced'. They meant 'on fire'.

Office birthday cake is the only reason some of us showed up.

Email starts with 'just following up'. Vibes: threatening.

They said 'we're a family here'. That explains the drama.